It’s Mother’s Day weekend. Last year for Mother’s Day weekend, I spent the weekend alone with my daughter. While it wasn’t an ideal situation, I made a bunch of finger foods and rented the movie Inside Out. My daughter and I had “movie night,” with a picnic in the living room. Last year, my therapist made me have a plan for taking care of myself during this difficult time. She also had me work on seeing my mom in a more positive light, and showing compassion towards her.
This year I did no work on preparing for Mother’s Day weekend. I didn’t even think about it. Until today….
Today it occurred to me that, just like when I was 7 years old, I still need my mom… or a mom-like-figure. I need someone to provide me with guidance when I need help, love when I feel alone, and support when I struggle with trauma memories. Currently, I don’t have anyone in my life who gives me any of those things. For a long time, my therapist in my hometown filled that role. And for a brief time, I think my current therapist served that role. But right now, there really isn’t someone in that role.
My actual mom only calls me when she wants to talk to my daughter. When I try to call her to talk to her about what is going on in my life, she seems distant, only half listening, and she rushes to get off the phone – she’s too busy for me. I need her though. I need her to care about me; to genuinely want to be involved in my life, not just my daughter’s life. My heart aches for my younger self who went through horrible things without the help of her mommy. My heart also aches for the 17 year old me who was kicked out of the house by her mommy while trying to overcome a drug addiction, self-injury, and suicide ideation. I have felt a lot of rejection in my life, but none quite compares to the magnitude of rejection that I feel from my mother.
I want so badly for things to be different between us. I know that she is proud of my career accomplishments. She brags on my adorable daughter and how smart she is. And she tries to be present for her during holidays or times when I need someone to watch her for a few days at a time. However, she is not an emotional support to me. She isn’t capable of being that for me.
Like I said, in the past, I’ve always had other people fill that emotional support role…. from teachers to band moms to therapists. There have always been incredible women who feel the need to step in and try to fill that void. Right now, I have managed to distance myself or sabotage just about all of those relationships though. So this year for Mother’s Day Weekend, I am feeling more alone than I’ve ever felt 😢
I drew the picture for this post. I am not an artist by any means. However, the petals falling symbolize the crumbling of relationships.