I’ve been, for the most part, doing really well lately. It’s been over 2 months since my last big suicidal episode. I haven’t cut in 532 days. And, I’m making really good progress in therapy! This week, I had two really productive sessions where I verbalized a lot more self-worth than I ever have. I worked through some tough emotions and memories. And even though I was anxious for a lot of the week, I did ok. I didn’t even email my shrink between Tuesday and Friday’s sessions!
I’m doing so well at this very moment that I’m starting to get worried. The anxiety is kicking in. What happens when I quit doing well? What happens when the suicidal thoughts come back? What if I don’t handle them well?
I don’t think it’s realistic for me to never think about suicide or hurting myself again. That’s been the way my mind has worked for most of my life. I worry that after such a good stretch, I won’t be able to handle it when they return – it could be devastating. My last big suicidal episode was scary. I don’t want to feel that way again. I want to just be “normal.”