It’s yoga teacher training weekend!
Normally, I would be super excited about this, but after all of the traveling I’ve done these past two weeks, all of the major life events, and all of the trauma work, I just want to curl up in my bed. However, I was happy to see everyone and listen to the excitement in their voices.
Our practice tonight included Birds of Paradise as a peak pose. I felt frustrated during our entire practice. My body was sore and tired, and my mind was stuck in a trauma memory. Due to a lack of practice these past two weeks, I found it difficult to stay in sync with my breath, and my endurance and flexibility was lacking. When we got to birds of paradise, I immediately became cynical. I fucking hate this pose, I thought; I am never going to be able to do it.
All of that negativity carried over into my practice. I couldn’t stay balanced on one foot, let alone extend my leg for birds of paradise. I felt the frustration consume me.
Another thing that was different about this practice was that I was the only student who did not receive physical assists from the instructor, even in savasana. After teacher training, I asked her why that was. I had spent several minutes before practice debating on asking her not to physically assist me tonight, but she never asked the class if anyone would prefer to not be touched, so I remained silent. Her response to my question: based on my energy and body language she decided to take a hands-off approach to supporting me. I was grateful for this because really, I don’t think I could have handled anymore triggers today.
I can always tell when my trauma stuff is on the surface because my balance is off in yoga class.
I am looking forward to the rest of this weekend’s yoga teacher training and eager to learn.