Today was my first day of my vacation. It started off so well. I went to two yoga classes this morning: restorative and vinyasa.
Before restorative class, one of the girls was talking about how she used to make blanket forts when she was little and how much she loved it. I got lost in memories for a few minutes. Blanket forts. I used to make blanket forts too. They were fun. They were like a cave, hidden from the world. I have mostly positive memories attached to blanket forts, but I know there are a couple of abuse memories too. However, today the light outweighed the dark.
In restorative, I worked hard to stay present. Two of the poses were challenging for me – not physically, but emotionally. The emotions from my childhood memories came to the surface, invading my thoughts. Then we went into Legs Up The Wall. In this pose, I found bliss. I was wrapped in blankets, sandbag weigh down on my feet, and I felt myself get into that true meditative state. It was so delicious that I wish I had made a decision to stay there for savasana.
The vinyasa class was led by one of my yoga teacher training instructors. It is the same instructor who didn’t provide physical assists to me on Friday night. Today, she asked if anyone didn’t want to be physically assisted. I was feeling ok, so I said nothing. She physically assisted me in child’s pose and I didn’t pull away. I felt comforted. This is a huge deal for me 🙂 The class was challenging and we once again did Birds of Paradise as our peak pose. Actually, I chose not to do it. I know that my body isn’t ready for that pose yet, and therefore would prefer to wait and try again a different day. And that’s ok.
After all of this blissful yoga, I had to meet with my husband and a bankruptcy lawyer. He is filing bankruptcy due to loss of a business. And guess who is paying for it….
Yep – I’m paying the $3600 for him to file bankruptcy for a business that I didn’t fucking want him to open to begin with. He’s been a complete asshole all week. He doesn’t act the least bit grateful. He doesn’t clean up after himself. And here I am about to take money out of my retirement so that we can just move on from his shitty fucking decision to open a restaurant without my approval. Words cannot even begin to describe the level of stress and resentment I feel over this.
I am stuck in a lose-lose situation. If I don’t pay the money for the bankruptcy, he will likely have his wages garnished, which will make it impossible for me to make ends meet….we’re barely making it as it is. If I pay for the bankruptcy, then I’m essentially bailing him out and I’m losing money. He also owes $3500 in taxes from this past year, and apparently that doesn’t get included in the bankruptcy…. so we’ve got to somehow find the money for that. Ugh I’m so incredibly overwhelmed.
I want to just spend every hour in a yoga class so that I don’t have to deal with life right now 😩
I did eat a cupcake today, which helped me find some contentment in the present moment… so there’s that lol 💜🎂