The best part of today was restorative yoga class. The second best part was the 30 minute nap I took before yoga class….and maybe the email I got from my therapist, which coincidentally came at just the right moment. 

The rest of the day? 

Well it fucking sucked. 

My daughter was in rare Threenager form today…worse than usual. She refused to nap, which didn’t help things. And tonight, after she refused to go upstairs to get ready for bed, and instead chose to lay in the floor and said her legs hurt and she couldn’t walk (bullshit), I broke down and popped her butt. I feel like the worst mom ever. I always try not to spank her. I try so hard. And sometimes she goes weeks and weeks without a spanking; but today, I had just had enough. I didn’t spank her hard, but it was enough to motivate her to get up and walk.

Prior to that, I had gotten home from yoga to find my husband unloading grocery bags from Walmart. What the actual fuck?!?! Yesterday we had a whole conversation about money and how there was not any money for him to spend until Wednesday when he got paid. I talked to him at length about what money needed to come out of the account between now and then. I had purchased enough food to last until Wednesday, including chicken. We had burgers and hot dogs already in the house. But apparently it wasn’t what he wanted. So I come home from yoga to him unpacking body wash, spaghetti o’s, ramen noodles, and gas for the lawn mower. He says he only spent about $30. Well there goes the money I needed in order to pay my therapist! He won’t even have time to mow the lawn until Thursday!!!! Why he had to spend money on that is beyond me! 

I am so angry. I feel like he has reverted right back to where he was last summer. I’m fucking done. I want to just say fuck this and move out. I’m tired of his inconsiderate remarks and actions. I’m so fucking sick of his lack of responsibility. And most of all, I am done with feeling like nothing I say or do matters – I am not appreciated. 

I can’t get my anxiety numbers down. Things are so bad right now. For the first time in a months, I need to cut. I need to feel numb.

Like the floor of my car (as shown in the picture), my whole life is a fucking mess.

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