Well today I paid $500 of the $3600 that I have agreed to pay for my husband’s bankruptcy. I also took the initiative to go through all of the bills and write out who he owes money to, their address, and how much he owes. Necessary paperwork that my husband didn’t take the time to do.
I worked for most of today. I also met with the bank about a loan to consolidate my own debt. I gave a cranky three year old a shower. I did the dishes. And I attempted to have a rational conversation with my husband about money. Of course that last part didn’t go so well. I offered to give him $40 a week in cash and the only thing he would use our joint account for would be gas for his car. He argued that $40 a week wasn’t enough and he would only agree if I gave him $60 a week. Right now, it’s all I can do to come up with $40 a week to give him, let alone $60! The evening ended with my inlaws arriving for a two-day visit. Ugh – words cannot express my displeasure.
In all of this stress and chaos today, when I found myself getting anxious, I brought myself back to the moments of release that I felt in my Thai Massage yesterday. I closed my eyes and thought of how at ease my entire body felt in those moments. It helped so much to have that feeling to go back to. It’s like a miniature retreat for my mind in periods of stress and anxiety. I can envision myself, laying on the floor, having the stress gently and carefully pressed out of my body. And when I close my eyes and pretend that I’m there, in that moment, I can feel the tension dissipate. I am courageous; I am safe; I am love; I am ok.