Today went like this:

  • Restorative yoga class: cried
  • Marriage counseling: cried and wanted to kill myself
  • Restorative yoga at home: cried and slept
  • Conversation with husband: cried and wanted to kill myself

I see a pattern…. 

Despite all of the tears and suicide ideation today, there were some good things:

  1. For starters, I communicated in marriage counseling that I needed a break. I went to the bathroom and took several cleansing breaths and then focused on my three part breath. I calmed myself down enough to return to the session and even explained why I had to leave. 
  2. I also communicated with my marriage counselor that I wanted to kill myself. That was also huge because I don’t exactly trust her in that department yet and in general, I don’t always do a good job of telling people when I feel that way.
  3. I did restorative yoga in class and at home
  4. I fell asleep in savasana at home and ended up sleeping for 30 minutes
  5. My nap was interrupted by a phone call where I learned that I was approved for a debt consolidating loan that I had applied for
  6. My husband replaced the brakes on my car, so my car isn’t making weird noises anymore.

In this present moment, I am mostly ok. Still slightly suicidal, but not like I was earlier. I’m feeling slightly better about the world right this minute.