Today was full of ups and downs.
It started with not wanting to get out of bed. When I finally got up, I went to yoga and had a great class. Then I went to work, which was productive and gratifying. After those ups, it went down hill fast.
I had marriage counseling today. When we talked about money, my husband got pissed off, shut down, and basically was an ass. Then we moved on to sex. This topic went surprisingly well. My marriage counselor pointed out how much progress I have made, particularly with communication. The session ended on a positive note and, despite the money conversation, I was feeling good about things.
Then I had therapy with my own shrink…
This went so much worse than I had anticipated. Nothing got thoroughly addressed. I feel like my head was in a million places and we never could stick to a topic. I’m also feeling incredibly pressured to go do neurofeedback. I’m not sure where I stand on it yet, but I do know that the more pressure I feel to do something, the less likely I am to do it.
In therapy today, we briefly talked about my food issues. I’m currently heavily restricting my diet in an attempt to lose weight. My shrink has already told me that she doesn’t treat eating disorders but could refer me to a nutritionist when I was ready. I desperately need to lose weight. I hate everything about the way I look. However, I don’t want to go see someone else; I don’t want a nutritionist. It’s all fear-driven. What if I don’t lose weight with them either? What if I can’t commit to their diet or exercise plan? What if I fail? It is easier to not eat anything than to try to follow a plan. I want help. I really do. But I’m so afraid. And now, I’m afraid to even ask for it.
I feel alone tonight. Alone in everything that’s going on in my life. My dog must sense it because she’s been wrapped around my arm for the last 30 mins or so 💜