This is me today. Right this very minute. I want to be ok. I do. I have had so many positive blog posts lately. I debated on whether or not I should write this one, but I want my readers to know that sometimes I still struggle too; sometimes I am not ok, even when I want to be.
Something happened at my sexual abuse survivors group that was really triggering for me. It is amazing how one person’s story can be so triggering for me that I start to spiral again.
Suicide ideation is legit today… and has been since last night. I had therapy today and I had so many positive things to talk about. I’ve made so much progress! And I didn’t want to talk about the suicide ideation because I want my therapist to see how well I’m doing. And I am… with the exception of the last 24 hours.
I am currently stuck in this loop of self-hatred, disgust, shame, and humiliation. It literally makes me want to kill myself. My therapist wanted me to have a “plan” for staying safe… even though she wouldn’t dare phrase it that way. It was so bad in session that I couldn’t even come up with a plan to stay safe. I gave some bullshit response. I was supposed to go to a concert tonight, but I didn’t go. I almost never blow off commitments with my friends, but I just can’t. The anxiety is so bad that my head is pounding and I feel like I can’t breathe. I was going to go to a yoga class instead, but decided I couldn’t even handle driving to class. So, I’m sitting on the couch, with my 37lb toddler on my lap, watching Chuggington.
Today I hate my PTSD. I hate my childhood. I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate everything. Today is the kind of day where I desperately want to burn away all of the impurities.