This is me today. Right this very minute. I want to be ok. I do. I have had so many positive blog posts lately. I debated on whether or not I should write this one, but I want my readers to know that sometimes I still struggle too; sometimes I am not ok, even when I want to be.
Something happened at my sexual abuse survivors group that was really triggering for me. It is amazing how one person’s story can be so triggering for me that I start to spiral again.
Suicide ideation is legit today… and has been since last night. I had therapy today and I had so many positive things to talk about. I’ve made so much progress! And I didn’t want to talk about the suicide ideation because I want my therapist to see how well I’m doing. And I am… with the exception of the last 24 hours.
I am currently stuck in this loop of self-hatred, disgust, shame, and humiliation. It literally makes me want to kill myself. My therapist wanted me to have a “plan” for staying safe… even though she wouldn’t dare phrase it that way. It was so bad in session that I couldn’t even come up with a plan to stay safe. I gave some bullshit response. I was supposed to go to a concert tonight, but I didn’t go. I almost never blow off commitments with my friends, but I just can’t. The anxiety is so bad that my head is pounding and I feel like I can’t breathe. I was going to go to a yoga class instead, but decided I couldn’t even handle driving to class. So, I’m sitting on the couch, with my 37lb toddler on my lap, watching Chuggington.
Today I hate my PTSD. I hate my childhood. I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate everything. Today is the kind of day where I desperately want to burn away all of the impurities.
July 11, 2017 at 7:52 pm
I know what you mean. So do a few friends. Hopefully change is in the air.
Hold tight
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July 11, 2017 at 7:58 pm
Thanks. It’s hard today 😞
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July 11, 2017 at 8:03 pm
I know how that goes too. It is the little insensitive things acquaintances sometimes do. It is also nice when random strangers do something beautiful. No one wants to invade anyone’s life…. some people persist in being rude, exclusive, and unfriendly though. These are often the ones who portray such a ‘spiritual’ or positive face.
Maybe because of what we have survived we see through them.
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July 11, 2017 at 8:32 pm
💜 beautiful wisdom 💜
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July 11, 2017 at 8:37 pm
You’re a good soul. Stay sober and keep going one day at a time. Our health… including mental and spiritual… might be our life’s work. Be kind to yourself and seek strong support around you where you live
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July 11, 2017 at 8:38 pm
Thanks…. I’m currently buried under my covers, which my therapist advised me not to do. However, I do need the sleep. It will be a yoga nidra night for sure
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July 11, 2017 at 8:43 pm
My doctor has a law against going back to bed too. I do totally know why and like the way he communicates it… usually. Good days and bad days. Gee we can be judged sometimes though and people always think they have it too but they handle it better.
They don’t like being proven for tje PC bullies they are either.
Gather yourself 😃
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July 11, 2017 at 8:59 pm
I understand how you feel. People can trigger me into depression without even realizing that they’ve done anything. I go through the suicidal thoughts and, at this point, it’s all “blah, blah, blah” to me. It’s what I go through, emphasis on the words “go through.” It’s like a tunnel that I eventually cross because just by living, I’m moving. I know I’ll get to the next thought that may end up being positive. I know I’ll make myself laugh (I’m the only one who will), and I know that if I wake up tomorrow, I’ll have to do it all over again. But it’s like a muscle: the more I work it, the stronger I become. If you look at it like that, you’ll see how strong you’ve become, and you’ll see how much stronger you will become in the future. I like to say that I manage myself. When someone asks me if I’m okay, I’ll respond that I’m never okay; it’s just a matter of what level of ‘not okay’ that I am right now. Sometimes I even joke about it. Of course, other people may not laugh because they think I should be completely serious about what I go through. But if I take it too seriously, and if I take myself too seriously, that’s kind of when it gets really bad, so I try to keep things light. This is just what works for me, by the way.
Anyway, I hope you’re doing better, and I hope everything goes well for you. 🙂
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July 11, 2017 at 9:06 pm
Thank you so much for sharing. I hope one day I’ll be ok… til then I guess I’ll just keep spending thousands of dollars a year on therapy lol 😉
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July 12, 2017 at 11:39 am
Haha! That should work. 🙂
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July 12, 2017 at 10:02 pm
it’ll be ok i hear you that right now your struggling but you can do it beat it i know you can keep going you are strong ❤ sending positive vibes to you <3xxxx
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July 12, 2017 at 10:03 pm
Thanks. Struggling so much right now.
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July 13, 2017 at 12:04 am
Love to you. The intense days are tough-the lighter days are beyond appreciated. Stare straight into the eyes of your external motivators for living and remind yourself that you are worthwhile ❤
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July 13, 2017 at 5:56 am
Thank you for your inspiring words. I needed them this morning 💜
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July 13, 2017 at 9:40 am
You got it! We all need some of that every so often ❤
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July 13, 2017 at 12:19 pm
💜
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