This week I am dealing with two very massive topics within my trauma work. Honestly, I should have never tried to tackle them both at the same time. I hadn’t planned it this way, but one topic had come up last week and the week before. I have spent a couple weeks working on it and journaling about it. Then, out of nowhere, I got hit with a topic equally as big. This one seems to be overpowering the first actually. Trying to balance the shittiness of day to day life, and these two big trauma topics, is more than I can handle right now.
Honestly, I want about 5 straight hours with my therapist where I can sit down and work through each of these topics and get it over with. I am an anxious mess. My wrists are scratched and bruised from me clawing and wrist banging when the urges to cut have been so intense that I literally can’t breathe. I have missed 2 social outings this week because of my anxiety. I can’t stop shaking, not even in yoga. I can’t find any glimmer of inner peace. I hate myself and I hate my past.
I didn’t trust myself to be home alone today. So I wasn’t. I was home long enough to take a shower, and that was it. Now it’s just me and my daughter. She’s sleeping. I’m writing because I don’t know what else to do. I want to cut. I’m 2 weeks shy of hitting 600 days though. I know I shouldn’t cut. I’m just so stressed out.
It feels like the storm is just beginning. The work that I need to do in therapy is overwhelming. And this week, it seems easier to give in and give up than it does to do the work. 😩