It’s been almost 31 hours since my Thai Massage ended. I can’t help but analyze where I am in the days following a massage. After everything that came up in the massage yesterday, all of the self-hate, I couldn’t help but have some anxiety about what may come up today. My therapist doesn’t want me to tailspin again. When I have multiple weeks in a row of tailspins, the suicide ideation becomes unmanageable.
Today has been, surprisingly, ok. Actually, maybe it’s been better than ok. I observed a yoga class, worked, went to see my primary care doctor for updated blood work, paid bills, had a successful conference with a client, and nailed the dinner, playtime, bedtime routine with my daughter. I didn’t get angry. I didn’t yell. I didn’t want to hurt myself.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night last night for sex. This often doesn’t go well for me; I typically have a lot of flashbacks. This time, it started similarly. I pulled away. Why is he in my bed? What is he doing? Why is he touching me. I’m little again… younger than 8. I see the moon shining in through our window. No. I am not little. I am safe. I was able to quickly get grounded and come back to the present moment. The flashback ended and didn’t come up again.
Now, it could just be coincidental. It could be a fluke. Maybe my skills and abilities to prevent flashbacks have gotten so refined that I can just prevent them whenever I need to. However, my track record for preventing flashbacks during sex is slim. So, I’m attributing last night’s success to Thai Massage. An unexpected benefit.
Ever since the self-hatred and shame came up in therapy a week and a half ago, I have had a headache every day. I know it is directly related to the stress from trauma work. They’re the type of headaches that don’t get better, even with sleep and medicine. I rarely get headaches, and when I do, it is always when my trauma stuff is intense. They only get better when the trauma stuff improves. I am happy to say that I have been headache-free since my Thai Massage. In addition to no headaches, my entire body just feels lighter. Everything feels “normal.” This is the way my body is supposed to be.
Today, I haven’t spent any time thinking hateful things about myself. I haven’t felt like I didn’t deserve kindness. I didn’t think my daughter would be better off without me. Today I was an awesome human! I did the best I could for myself and for others throughout the day. I actually had a positive self-image today. When I looked in the mirror, I didn’t think I was fat or disgusting. The words bad and gross didn’t cross my mind either. Instead, I thought: Wow – I look really healthy. And I do. Even my doctor said that whatever I’m doing is clearly working for me. She commented on how happy I seemed. And I am.
Today, I am ok. Today, I am normal. Today, I am happy.