It is Day 599. #cutfree

I was going to go to yoga today, but I had to work more than I had anticipated and then got busy cleaning out my daughter’s playroom this evening… #adulting

I did make time to run by Athleta. They were having a big sale, with an extra 20% off of clearance. I had rewards bucks too from my Athleta credit card (that no one should have given me!). I got a new pair of yoga leggings for $17. #winning

I also stopped into Cheesecake Factory today to get cheesecake to go. My day tomorrow will be busy, so I figured it would probably be ok to celebrate Day 600 one day early. Plus, I am all about some Adam’s Peanut Butter Cup Cheesecake. #fatkid

Throughout my day, I found myself reflecting on these past 100 days. In terms of self-injury and trauma work, the 500s have been really good to me. In the past 100 days, I have worked through some actual real trauma stuff – more than just memories. I have worked towards finding anger for my abuser and for what I went through, accepting that I was neglected as a child, and forgiving myself. I don’t know that I am 100% on any of those things yet, but I do feel like I have made some progress on them. #makingprogress

In the past 100 days, I also started Thai Massage. I have had three sessions so far, and a fourth one is booked for the middle of August. I feel like this has been the “missing link” in my therapy. I have made a lot of progress in the last 100 days and I can’t help but think that some of that has to do with my Thai experiences. To me, it seems like I have made more progress in therapy since starting Thai Massage than I have in all of 2017. Overall, I am calmer. I still get anxious. I still have occasional suicidal thoughts and urges to self-harm. I still have some angry outbursts. However, it doesn’t feel like I get “stuck” in those negative places. I used to get stuck there. They also don’t feel as intense. It used to feel like my entire world was ending. Now, if I have a rough day and my mind goes to suicidal ideation, I don’t sit with it for as long. The thoughts come up, and then they vanish. Even my flashbacks don’t stick around for as long! #unstuck

I had my first really bad flashback in months. You may remember me writing about it here. I literally doubled over in pain; and then the memories and the tears followed. I was afraid to go to sleep that night; petrified of potential nightmares. In the past, when my flashbacks became that dysregulating, I always had nightmares… usually for days. Thankfully, there have been no nightmares following this flashback. In my Thai Massage sessions, I processed through several memories, including the one that I had a flashback of this week. In Thai Massage, the memories come up, and then they float away. It often feels like I am little again; like 7-year-old Little Jen is laying on the mat getting massaged; getting touched with so much genuine care and compassion. I can’t help but wonder if this connection between past and present has helped my mind and body work through the trauma more effectively. I can’t help but think that pairing these memories with positive touch makes it easier for me to work though the flashbacks… easier to be unstuck. #flashbackssuck

Obviously I don’t know what the next 100 days, the “600s”, will hold. I am going into the busy season at work and I am hoping I can manage all of that stress, in addition to my mental health stress. I will be finishing yoga teacher training in the next 100 days! I will be traveling to New York City. And, hopefully, I’ll be booking a yoga retreat for March to celebrate my 30th birthday. There are a lot of exciting things going on. Of course like always, life is unpredictable. And my life is even more unpredictable. I am hoping I will be able to continue to incorporate Thai Massage at least once a month. I am also optimistically decreasing my therapy sessions from twice a week to once a week… and eventually every other week. Right now, I am in a good place. I sincerely hope it continues. #optimistic