I haven’t written in a while. It’s been a very busy week.
On August 1, I celebrated 5 years of AA sobriety. I never thought I would be sober for 5 years! Now that I have reached this point, I can’t imagine I will ever drink again. To celebrate my 5 years, I’m heading to New York City this weekend.
This week I also had a lot of stress in my marriage. My husband’s financial situation is more than I can handle. I paid over $3000 for him to file bankruptcy this week, draining all of my savings account. His company also decided this week that they would no longer be working overtime. This means that he will make about $600 a month less than what we need him to make for us to pay our bills.
I cried in yoga again this week. I was so overwhelmed by everything going on in life. It was a challenging vinyasa class, but I was hyper focused on my practice. I held crow for over 10 breaths! You can’t think about killing your self when you’re doing cool yoga shit. At the end of class, the instructor (the same one who does my Thai Massages), came over and massaged my feet…. just like she does in Thai. I couldn’t keep the tears from falling. I just had to let go of all of the emotions I was feeling.
I also had productive sandtray work this week. I changed a lot of things in my sandtray. It has been virtually the same for months now, and I have felt “stuck” in it. This time, I moved almost everything. I don’t remember a ton about the process, but I do recall seeing myself look at my therapist and say “I’m done,” several times before finally breaking down in a puddle of tears. Ok so the dissociation was probably not a good thing, but my work in sandtray was. I actually don’t really know what my sandtray from that session means right now, but I do know that I feel “done.” I have found myself wondering if this means I’m done with trauma work… like maybe I’m “better” now. Or if it simply means I’m done with sandtray. Either way, that feeling of being done was so intense; I have to believe it means something.
These next couple of days will be busy and sleep deprived as I travel to NYC. When I return, I’ll be traveling again for work. I have a Thai Massage scheduled for the end of next week, which I am looking forward to. Overall, despite my shitty marriage, I am doing ok right now.